Shadowlight's Lighthouse

Panel 1: Marvin & Judy are standing in their front door, waving goodbye. Mal is in the front yard, carrying the triple crossbow, waving back. Next to him, Panda is sheepishly but pointedly avoiding Sally's gaze, walking in the opposite direction of the door. Sally walks next to Panda, looking at him with a mischievous grin and suppressing a laugh.

Dear: (tiny cursive) well-wishes and good-byes

Marvin: ...so you go west about a quarter mile into the swamp, and you'll come to the Interdimensional Nexus. You can't miss it. If you run across a muck-encrusted mockery of the human form, that's just Ted. Don't worry, he's harmless.*

Sally: *snerk*

Caption: * see Webcomics Nonillustrated: 'He's One Bad Mossy Figure'

Panel 2: Sally, Panda,and Mal are seen in the distance walking through the swamp. Unnoticed by them, in the foreground, a trunk-nosed muck-encrusted mockery of a man plays cards with a bipedal alligator smoking a cigar and a humanoid possum wearing a referee shirt.

Caption: about an eighth of a mile later...

Sally: I can't believe you bought that crossbow anyway.

Mal: It's just a precautionary measure. I won't be firing it everyday. If it makes you feel better, I'll put it in one of those locked fire boxes that say, 'in case of zombie apocalypse, break glass'

Sally: It doesn't sound very useful. What if the zombies don't care that you've shot crossbow bolts into them?

Mal: That's why I want to buy a flamethrower, and put it in another locked box that says 'In Case of Lack of Fire, Break Glass' but that's more like a stretch goal.

Sally: oh, hell no.

Mal: This'll tide me over in the meantime.

Panda: so, um, good trip, right?

Sally: Yes, Fine, Panda. I admit it, I had fun, even if you did shanghai me into it.

Sally: I should've gotten the recipe for those cookies. I thought maybe they had raisins in them, but it didn't taste like normal raisins. It was more, I don't know...

Panel 3: Closer shot of Panda, Sally, and Mal walking. Mal is grinning widely with his mouth open. Sally is wide-eyed, her hands to her mouth in shock.

Mal: ...tangy?

Sally: No! You don't mean...it couldn't!

Mal: (singsong) Yooouu'llllll Nevvverr Know for Sure.......

Webcomics Nonillustrated, Part Eight: Love Hurts
July 24th, 2009
Current Music:"Hey There, Delilah", the Plain White T's
Panel 1: Judy Dear is slumped against Sally's chair, the crossbow bolts still sticking out of her back. Sally has a shocked expression on her face, looking down at Dear.
Sally: You killed her!! You bastards! oh, wait. werecat. right. ...but even so.*
Dear (tiny cursive) I'm all right. It's fine....If you'll excuse me, I think I need to powder my nose...
Sally: uh, yeah, me too

Caption: *Author's Note: Sally's finely honed werewolf senses can distinguish types of werecreatures by the distinctive smell of their blood.


Panel 2: Sally follows Judy as she staggers down the hall (leaning against the wall for support but also leaning forward slightly to suggest continual momentum) ...

Panel 3: ...and is right behind her when she opens the door to the bathroom, which contains a Bulk-size jug of antiseptic and an assortment of surgical tools, including the type of pliers used to pull out bullets.

Dear: (tiny crisp print) Sally, if you'll be so kind to help? These feel like they'll come out better from the back.

Sally: Sure. So...crossbow bolts?

Dear: (tiny crisp) not as fun as bullets.


Panel 4: Dear is leaned forward onto the sink basin, facing the mirror, while Sally uses the pliers to carefully pry the first of the quarrels out.

Sally: Look, Judy, I know I've only known you for two hours, so if you tell me to keep my snout out of this, I'll respect that, but while we're alone, I have to ask--

Sally: Why do you put up with this?


Panel 5: view from mirror, looking straight at Judy's face, (which wears a slight smile, with arched eyebrows, despite the blood trickling from her mouth) Sally behind her, glancing up with her hands still on the pliers.

Dear: (tiny, crisp) Sally, you're a Changer, so I know you can keep a secret. Can I tell you something in the strictest confidence, just between us girls?

Sally: sure.

Dear: (tiny crisp) When Marvin first got his curse, he was terrified of what he was becoming, of his animal nature coming out, of hurting me. So, I showed him that he _couldn't_ hurt me. You see, changers of my generation didn't change in public. It just wasn't done. If I'd turned into a big jungle cat right in front of people, well... they would've run in panic, or called a zookeeper! but, this? It might shock people, but it's not a threat to anyone. It's a quiet way of showing I'm more than what I look like. Ever since, this has been our little game, the way we show we're not afraid (of each other, or ourselves), that we love each other the way we truly are. ...and I have to admit, it's kind of exciting, not knowing when it's going to happen or what form it will take.


Panel 6: Living room. Panda is now sitting on the couch that Marvin and Mal are still standing next to. They all look at a loss for words.

Caption: Living Room...

Panel 7: As in Panel 6

Marvin: ...so, Pluto's not a planet anymore?

Mal: I was surprised, too.

Panda: It turns out there's a whole swarm of them out there. Let Pluto back in, and you'd need to let in all the kuiper objects, and whatever's out in the Oort Cloud.

Marvin: hm. That'd be hard to write a song about. Nothing rhymes with "Oort".

Panda: ...yeah.


Panel 8: Back in the bathroom, Sally is pulling free the last of the quarrels.

Sally: So, this is some big, kinky trust exercise? It's not really abusive at all?

Dear: (tiny, crisp) Oh, sometimes we'll get mad and use it to get out our frustrations. Most couples fight. We mostly just dismember each other... but if Marvin thought for a minute he'd really hurt me, he'd stop on a dime.

Sally: huh. ...do you have tweezers? I think some of this one broke off inside.


Panel 9: a few seconds later, Dear (still bent over) is handing Sally the tweezers.

Dear: (tiny crisp) So, you and Mal don't have any understandings like that?

Sally: Me and Mal?? Hell, no. I'm not dating him. He's a vampire, for Christ's sake!

Dear: (tiny crisp) I've seen mixed marriages work.


Panel 10: Close-up of Sally staring intently into Judy Dear's wounds, as she picks around inside with the tweezers.

Sally: *sigh* This might take a little while.

Dear: (tiny crisp, off-panel in direction of her head) Some things do...

Sally: Forget it, Judy.


Panel 11: Living room. Panda is looking up attentively at Marvin, who is bent at the waist towards Panda, holding one hand out towards him, fingers outstretched, palm down; and grinning widely as he talks. Mal, behind them, has his head back and eyes clenched shut, roaring with laughter.

Caption: ...a little while later.

Marvin: so then the cabbie looks at Sammy DelRubio, then he looks at Mal, then he looks back at me and says, 'I don't know what you guys've got, but I'm hosing this whole cab down with bactine as soon as I get back to the garage!'

Mal: HAH-ha-ha-HA!!
[note to letterer: The transliteration of laughs into print is, as you know, a treacherous science. One might say it's simpler to put in a cloud of "HA"s in various sizes and call it good. Then again, I don't have a letterer, so I had to put something.]


Panel 12: Marvin's attention is snagged by Dear, fully recovered, stepping into the frame. (Mal has stopped to catch his breath and dry his eyes.)

Panel 13: Close-up of Marvin's ear. Dear's lips are near it, parted slightly.

Dear: (tiny, crisp) Marvin, darling, no more crossbows. They give me splinters. Sally was forever getting them all out.

Marvin: (tiny, crisp) oh! Yes, dear.


Panel 14: Dear, smiling serenely, stands next to Marvin, who looks over at Mal, who looks pleasantly surprised.

Marvin: Hey, Mal-- you want to buy a crossbow? It's slightly used, but I could let it go for cheap.

Mal: wow! Seriously??


Panel 15: Marvin is now reaching for the crossbow, abandoned just beyond the panel in the direction of the wall and mantlepiece. Dear has rolled her eyes in a bemused expression. Sally pokes her head into the panel from the direction of the rest of the living room and looks at Mal with annoyance, as he does to her. Panda ducks his head down to stay out of this.

Sally: Mal, so help me, if I so much as feel the wind of one of those bolts flying past, I will nail you into your coffin with no cellphone for a week.

Mal: Yeah, I hear you, Sally.

Sally: Listen and remember, bloodsucker.


Panel 16: Sally is gone again. Marvin has resumed his previous position (from Panel 14), except now he's holding the empty crossbow. Mal looks at him ambivalently.

Mal: I..i'll think about it.


Next time: the Epilogue. probably.

Webcomics Nonillustrated, Part Six: Someway, Somehow... (not so much indecent as just long and silly
July 14th, 2009
Current Mood:amused strangely accomplished
Establishing shot (night, full moon) of a ranch-style house and cypress trees, with a marshy pond filled with flamingos in the foreground. Caption reads: "The Jobblewocki's Flamingo Ranch/ Citrusville, Florida"

Panel 2: Interior. Marvin (looking the same as my ill-gotten userpic from the 1950s) and his wife (prim, young, blond, June Cleaver-ish) greet Mal, who is standing in the open front doorway, as well as Sally and Panda, standing behind Mal. Sally looks confused.

Marvin: "Mal! Golly, it's been ages, hasn't it? You look great!
Mal: "Thanks. I try to stay out of the sun. It causes wrinkles."
Marvin: "You remember my wife, of course? Dear, these are Mal's friends, Sally Black and Panda Sapien. "
Dear: (in teensy tiny faded cursive print) 'assorted greetings and pleasantries'

Panel 3: The personae have stepped inside.
Marvin: "Mal, can we get you something to drink?"
Dear, with a slight smile, holds her forearms out towards Mal, wrists upward.
Mal: "No, I'm good."
Marvin; "Anyone else? I've got some Jonestown Cola in the fridge."
Panda: "No, thanks. The bubbles and the cyanide bother my stomach."

Panel 4: a spacious living room furnished in an art deco, early 1960s style. In the background, Mal and Marvin chat comfortably, while Dear looks on contentedly from a few feet away. In the foreground, Sally, now irritated, glares at Panda, who is sitting next to her and shrugging.

Sally: What the hell?? This is Part 6? Where was Part 5, and how'd we get here?

Panda: You skipped Part One, so I skipped Part five.

Sally: Yeah? Well, Part one was three lines. I'm guessing Part Five must've been a good deal longer. So Marvin and his wife are still alive, huh?

Panda: Sure, why not? There's no comedic potential in them being dead.

Sally: They're the same age they were 60 years ago! Care to explain that, for those of us who missed the epic Part Five?

Panda: Well, as weres, they're magical creatures--

Sally: No. I'm a werewolf. We age. You've seen my grandfather. Try again.

Panda: Clean living, healthy lifestyle, and using every product exactly as directed could--

Sally: Eternal Life through Pepsodent and cannibalism? Weaksauce.

Panda: Summer Daydream?

Sally: That's Dounsbury. Mal's only entitled to weekly delusions and two 15-minute psychotic breaks per day, neither of which should be diverting me from my busy schedule.

Panda: Ok, they were put in cryogenic suspension by the Witness Protection Program for ratting out the Broccoli* crime family.

Caption: *(pronounced 'bri-COH-lee').

Sally: the Broccoli crime family?? Who are they? Why do they want Marvin and Dear dead? Since when does the Witness Protection Program have technology like that? or was all this explained in Part Five?

Panda: No, Part Five just drops cryptic hints. It's actually all revealed in 'Marvin & Dear #0'. It's, umm, highly collectible, so there might not be any left by the time you get to the comicbook shop.

Sally: Convenient. You're digging yourself a hole here.

Panda: *sigh* I know, but you have to do that to build a foundation.

Caption, bottom right: to be continued in Part 7. (no, really this time)

Webcomics Nonillustrated: Part 4: A New Bloke
July 11th, 2009
This one's kinda long, so I'm putting it in the comments. It's not sexually explicit, but it's... somewhat explicit. horror-comedy. might count as fanfic, of a tv show I never saw. attempts to find video footage suggest that a local live tv series from the 1950s probably was never recorded to film in the first place, meaning it's impossible for me to have seen it. This is, in any event, a 're-imagining' (like Tim Burton calls his fanfic) It's not Shakespeare, but at least I'm writing something.
Our story picks up a few hours after Part 3, with Steven (a human version of Panda) and Sally (in human form) sitting on opposite sides of Mal (as a huge blob of black energy covered with red eyes ala' 'Hellsing'! ok, no, actually he's also in humanoid form) in Mal's living room...

Comment by me: so, apparently comments have a maximum length. hrm. ok, I guess I'll post it as a new entry, and hope the Adult Content setting will do what my lj-cuts never do.

An atheist (possibly named Deena Dobkins) asks: What did God do before he created the universe?

The logical answer is: pretty much the same thing the total energy of the entire universe did before the Big Bang. it probably involved wondering if it was too early to get up and make coffee.

The C.S. Lewis answer is (i think): creating other, older universes. God probably has a whole workshop full of them, and when one ends, he builds a new one for that spot on the shelf.

The Mal answer is: Volleyball. Mal will demonstrate this point by playing a betamax videocassette of an animated movie you've never heard of, wherein a child Jesus is playing volleyball with His white-bearded father, while the Holy Spirit referees...
and Jesus says, "hey, Dad, you know what would be good with this? What if we had a beach? We could separate those waters over there from the dry land.....and, um, maybe some other people to play? not that it's not fun with just the three of us."
and the Father smiles and says, "sure, son. knock yourself out."
and the son goes over and says, "okay... let's have some light."
and the father gestures and there's light, and the son says "thanks, that's good." and he packs the cloud of yellow glowing stuff into a yellow glowing ball-shape and moves it closer like a lamp.

....creation of man, fall of man, ("now it's all ruined!" "it's okay, son, maybe we can fix it."), the covenant with Abraham ("wait! ....we changed our mind. Don't kill your son, Abraham. We'll find someone else."), the Incarnation ("You made them male and female. If you're going to become one of them, you need to have a mother. So, look closely. choose carefully. Who will it be?") and the Resurrection ("I know I can't fix everything for them. but let me go back and make sure they understand.") At each point, it's clear to the viewer that the father is using the son's world-building as a learning experience for the son.
Although the movie appears to have been taped off tv, the only commercials are for the Church of Latter-Day Saints (circa early 80s, "Don't let the magic pass you by" ad campaign) and Sea Monkeys.

*ripcrinkletearcrinkle*
Sally: "A Sarah Palin Chew Toy?? Wow, Mal, where'd you find this?"
Mal:You can find anything on the Internet if you look hard enough. It talks, too. 26 Palin quotes, in case you need Instant Rage!"
*ripcrinkletearcrinkle*
Mal: "a box of Chocolate Covered Scabs! I didn't know they still made these."
Glory: "a little place called the Aztec Candy Co. in New Mexico. An admirer sent one of their chocolate-filled -while -still -beating -hearts for Valentine's Day. I sent it back, but I figured you'd appreciate their wares more than I did."
*ripcrinkletearcrinkle*
Glory: "oh, honeybear! It's a diadem of mystic orange flame! How'd you know I used to wear one of these?"
Panda: "temple wall paintings in Assyrian ruins, a few emails to some anthropologists to follow up... the hard part was finding someone who could actually make jewelry out of orange flames."
*ripcaaarefullyseparateandunfold,preservingthewrappingpaper*
Sally: "Panda, for crying out loud, just rip the thing!"
Panda:"but, Sally, it's such nice paper, I don't want to ruin"--
Sally: "next year, I'm just getting you wrapping paper for Christmas."
Panda (holding up book): "_Fire & Nice: Getting Rid of this Polite Nice Guy Crap and Speaking up for Yourself_ This is actually a book? "
Sally: "You'll thank me later."
Panda: "Thank you, Sally."
Sally: "No! I said later! Read the book first!"
Panda: "ok, Sally. (looks straight at the Fourth Wall) From all of us at Malpanda's Journal, to all of you out in the Blogosphere... "
Mal: "Who's he talking to?"
Sally points. Mal looks at Fourth Wall, screams, and falls over onto the floor.
(all, in Unison, even Mal): MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Welcome to another episode of the 837 Club, here on the Christian Blogcasting Network. I'm your host, Mal Kavertson, and with me, as always, is Glory Meowwsen. (Glory: "hi, Mal!") Now, folks, as you can see out this window behind us, it is snowing here, and accumulating, _in Autumn_. This isn't a special effect or trick photography, it really is snowing, thousands of intricate, beautiful little crystals falling from the sky every minute; Lord be praised... However, the untimely early start of the season is a concern, because we all know what Scripture has to say about this. (Glory: "mr-hm. We certainly do, Mal.") Folks, it's a well-established fact that snowflakes are individually sculpted by trained artisan Snow Fairies. (embed here video clip from 'Jack Frost' Christmas Special, with subtitles saying "Documentary footage courtesy of Rankin-Bass") I don't think any intelligent person can conclude that a snowstorm like this, so soon after the Maine referendum on Same-Sex Marriage, is just a coincidence. We've known for years that the fae are close to the Gay community, socially as well as in rhyming dictionaries, and these hard-working spirits of the Icy North are clearly ~enraged~ at our society's turning away from traditional neighborhood values, like respecting others, and letting people decide for themselves who constitutes a family... and friends, this is just the beginning. If these early flurries aren't heeded, if we don't repent and turn away from this path of intolerance, well... we could easily be looking at months of ice-cold winds, rain that freezes into sheer black ice as it hits the ground, huge snowdrifts on roads and driveways, schools and businesses will have to close.
...and as the ice crystals fall on all of us, I'm pointing my finger at the gay-bashers, and the cross-wavers and the politicized religious and the redneck bigots and the bad tippers, and I say, "You allowed this to happen."

(Mal and Sally are in line at a movie theatre)
Sally: Ok, Mal. It's your turn to pick the movie. What are we going to see?
Mal: I'm thinking 'Transformers 2'.

Sally: but you didn't like the first Transformers movie. Why get suckered into the sequel?
Mal: I didn't like it at first, but I was comparing it too closely to the cartoon series. Now I see it has to be enjoyed on its own merits. Besides, this one has Omicron, and he's cool.

(they've gotten to the front of the line. Sally looks at the cashier while pointing at Mal.)
Sally: Two tickets for 'Transformers 2', for me and Optimist Prime here.