Shadowlight's Lighthouse

(no subject)
August 30th, 2010
I haven't posted much to this emo blog lately, because I've been trying so hard to see the good side, count my blessings... but my workplace becomes more and more abusive. The mass skullf# that was Inventory slid almost seamlessly into the mass skull# that is Remodel, and then it'll be time for our endless Xmas shopping season, hard as it is to believe as I sweat like a pig in the equatorial heat that somehow does so little to prove Global Warming, the way a cold day in f#ing January so easily disproves it in the common mind. I feel like work (and/or the unseen bugs in my bed; and/or the heat and/or unknown factors) are sucking the vitality from me, leaving little gumption with which to deal with the rest of my life, which consequently, is falling apart at the edges. I've been sleeping on a sleeping bag on the floor because my mattress makes me itch... except now, even the floor is making me itch, so soon I'll need a Plan C. My apartment is a mess. I still haven't put away most of the precious junk I grabbed from camp several months back. My car needs work done to pass inspection, my dental crown on my back leftmost tooth is falling apart, piece by piece. I'm preparing my games for Con, the final Con of its type, and already Frifts is so complicated I doubt any of my regular players will play it... and I might not even get those days off from work, at this rate. My church will be bankrupt in two years unless they double their attendance. The girl I love says we should just be friends. ...and I say, sure, baby, I'm good at that. I'm the ultimate Friend Man. What else can I say?

I just wanted to tell everyone that I love Miss K, and she loves me. Maybe it sounds crazy to profess love for a woman you haven't actually physically met (yet)... but I feel like I've seen her mind and spirit, and I liked what I saw. (Her pictures are pretty, too.) ... and today is her birthday, so I thank God for the miracle of giving her life, so important to me now, even though at the time I was three years old and several states away, quite unaware of the event happening. (I find God works like that a lot. There's quite a bit of subtle nudges and shuffling around in the distance, but it eventually all works out.)

Is it typical in love stories to not bother explaining how the protagonists actually fall in love? as in, what causes the initial attraction that motivates them to overcome the various obstacles that then crop up to keep them apart, instead of shrugging and moving on to the next possible match? (Perhaps they do explain this and I miss it somehow?) This would make writing love stories exponentially easier; sort of like the difference between space opera and Hard Sci-Fi (where you have to explain how stuff works as if it really might).

Remember that online dating site I mentioned in 'Cupid's Minions' (Weds, June 15, 2009)? Yes, well, they finally found a woman I couldn't refuse. She's my age, not geographically close but at least in this time zone in this country, a non-smoking, non-drinking Christian, with a fondness for comicbooks (especially Superman) and gothic horror (especially vampires); a would-be Lois Lane looking for a Clark Kent-wannabe, preferably one who doesn't mind if she goes on about Bela Lugosi or the Cullens. (Y'know, I could use some more learning about Bela Lugosi, anyway. :) ) For now, we'll call her 'DPG', for 'the Daily Planet Girl'. I succumbed. I joined up with the Geeque du Soleil. I tried. We'll see what it gets me.
Admittedly, this dating site (styled as a community, albeit a gated community, in this case, probably a Stargated community) seems cooler from inside the velvet ropes than it does from the outside, and I could easily rationalize $10 a month as the Price of the Beers you drink while at Cheers, doozering up some geek-culture info-content to try to convince the regulars that I'm cool enough to date... but we all know there's plenty of other places I could spend that time and energy with an equal or greater chance of winning friends and influencing people. (Note to self: fanfiction.net, Strange Horizons, the local interdenominational network of faith-based charities.)
Please note: I could've given her an lj codename like 'Lois' or 'Chloe', but I'm only two letters in on the preliminary, 'friends-first' stage, and stalled out at that...Expectations should not be that high. You could mow the grass with these expectations.

[Error: unknown template qotd] My mother's uncle ran a dance hall in the small town she was from. My Dad went to a dance there, asked a friend to dance, but she said no, so he asked my mother to dance, and that's how they met. (except that, years later, he told me that what he actually did was ask Every Single Woman In the Place to dance, and *all* of them said no until my mother. There's probably a moral in that somewhere.) They dated for years while she finished college out of state, and then he proposed around November, and when my mother told *her* mother, Grammie E said that as soon as Christmas was out of the way, they'd put together this wedding as fast as possible, because this courtship had taken enough time already. They were married in late January, and that was around 1970. :)

Today... was a good day. Managed to get in touch with Akeila and carpool with her and CW, her Don'tjinxit Complicated, (note 1) to the Flowerytree wedding. Beautiful ceremony (Groomsmen in chainmail with Alpha-Omega-over crossed-swords heraldry, Bride and bridesmaids in deep red and white Renaissance dresses). saw many people I knew, and everyone seemed at peace with one another, putting aside conflicts in celebration of this miraculous event. saw Ms. Q there, which was good, as I keep losing touch with her. saw Former Roommate there, but failed to deal with the financial loose end we'd decided to fix at the wedding because we didn't want to do it across state lines. Didn't know the proper timing to doing business at a wedding reception. Guess I haven't seen enough gangster movies :) Was worried my homemade Scottish kilt-ensemble wouldn't pass muster among Scadians, but people said it was good. Hope the happy couple like my wedding gift. (Does anyone know if the new Mrs. Flowerytree drinks tea?) Good real conversation with Akeila and CW on way to and fro, then I showed them my New Place, and they were nice enough to take me out to dinner (I had grilled salmon and a caesar salad. For me, that's healthy.) and buy me some housewarming gifts (a decent frying pan and a blender). I also got them to go through my giveaway pile and take some stuff I'd rather had a good useful home.


Note 1: CW's an actual excellent driver, made up most of the late from our late start. had I tried to find the place myself I would've been derailed by road construction before I'd even gotten a third of the way. We would've arrived exactly on time if only the final street in the directions had been labeled in realspace. Fortunately, I recognized a building in the distance from its photo in the Google Maps cyberspace illusion of the proper street, and Akeila was puzzling out an actual, if un - detailed, paper map of the town. We got there just as we got a text message on my phone that said "ur late". Technology is getting weird.

I made Miss N a bracelet out of semiprecious stone beads and copper wire, wrote her a poem, and snailed both of them to her a week ago with a letter in which I told her I loved her at least three times. (This was to be the big, official first "I Love You" that the male must provide for the female at the proper moment in the courtship.)
The USPS delivered it (Priority Mail, Signature Confirmation) and their website was happy to tell me on Friday that my package was signed for by "S Hvllvway"... whom neither I nor Miss N have ever heard of. Could anyone tell me what the point of Signature Confirmation is, if anyone who happens to be standing around can sign for the package without saying what connection they have to the person the fershuginer package was addressed to???

I forgot to mention that Friend Computer is no longer controlling my work schedules. This means I've been back to Tuesdays and Fridays for my days off for several months now.

However, *this* week I'm working Sat-Sun-Mon-Tues so I can get Weds-Thurs-Fri off to visit friends. (I might try seeing a bit of my family while I'm traveling, but we'll see if that works.)

A friend of mine was explaining to me, a few days ago, her need for me to run a game, but just when the lightbulb was starting to flicker on above my head signifying a glimmer of comprehension of what her situation was...the IM service dropped her and she didn't return. I can't remember what email address is her primary nowadays. (I've got to fix this, somehow.)

In the last week or two, my email service has eaten two important letters people assert that they sent, and let one spam letter through. Bad ISP! bad! no banner click-throughs!

I took, again, too f-- long to send a letter to the amazing Miss N... and she hasn't written back. five days or so, maybe more... faith...must have faith (I'm such an idiot.)....faith! have faith! (I've blown this somehow.) that's what you thought a month ago. Faith!!

(She's wonderful, you know. Miss N. I asked her about talking on the phone. Maybe I shouldn't have. My voice isn't a selling point. I don't know what she looks like and I'm not going to ask until I have to...I don't want her to think I'm shallow. I'm guessing that, like every American female over 90 pounds, she's insecure about her weight. I have no evidence of this whatsoever, but it wouldn't be surprising. Anyway, constantly changing my mental image of her is supposed to keep me from getting ahead of myself and forgetting how tentative this whole thing really still is. That's my plan, anyway. Her smile always looks the same in every mental image...her eyes are always the same...I've never done this successfully. Failing abysmally at it over and over has hopefully given some useful experience.)

Roommate S has suggested I practice walking differently so I'll make less noise on the floor that might agitate our emotionally-unstable (IMHO) downstairs neighbor. This neighbor hasn't yelled gibberish at me or called me a "retard" in at least a week, so I suppose this is an improvement.

I saw "Superman Returns". I thought the part with the--oh, you haven't seen it yet? Nevermind, I won't spoil it. However, allow me to point out as important that "Superman Returns" is meant to pick up continuity after "Superman II", ignoring Supermans III and IV completely. [Thus says "Entertainment Weekly".] It doesn't matter in order to watch/enjoy the movie, it's barely even implied within the movie, but it puts certain things in perspective in a way I personally find important, being who and what I am.

Roommate S says my priorities are out of whack: watching movies, checking email...what about sleep? Panda, when was the last time you got two full nights of sleep in a row?

Summertime...and the living ain't easy. I want fresh air, but it keeps raining. I want ice cream. daily. I want to see my friends. all of them. I want to know when game descriptions are due. (Does anyone know??) I want to get everything done, and that just ain't gonna happen. (I owe three people emails from two months ago... *sigh*)

be well, my dear ones.

Find your Celestial Choir

Emotionless?? Not from where I'm standing, Bub. I actually have plenty of emotions. I can be downright passionate... but I spare people, shielding them from the high-energy radiation of my intense inner life. It's a courtesy I provide. That bit about morality (decency/justice/kindness) being the essential, primary touchstone of my being...well, that's spot on. (Does this mean there are humans out there who don't melt into a psychemotional pudddle when confronted by the possibility that they've violated their moral code? )
All this is not surprising for an INFJ, downright typical for a Person with Asperger's, and now I've got to go rewrite the above paragraph so it makes me sound like the world's greatest living human being, utterly flawless and interesting, add a tincture of flirtation, and send it to this week's longshot love prospect via internet personals. (Oh, right, I'm supposed to mention to you all that the Passions Network, including such myriad themed Personals sites as Trek Passions, Geek Passions, Disabled Passions, Astrology Passions (I should take myself off that one.) and Christian Passions, is a Completely Free (ie. Nonprofit) Site. It's sparsely populated with relatively desperate people, such as myself, but it's free. )